Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
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Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
This why you should mind your business
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku