Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
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I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything