I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
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He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
🚲+physics = winner
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?