ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
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If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
PLOT TWIST:
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.