Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
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My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.