My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
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they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
What even happened today?
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.