ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
You Might Also Like
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Why do meteors always land in craters?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.