Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
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Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
this isn’t threatening at all
Self-cleaning conscience
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Why is no one talking about this?!
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year