Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
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#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.