Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
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Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
The cake is mightier than the sword.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…