Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
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alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Yes, this is exactly right
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.