@isabelzawtun: Me accepting an Oscar: and I'd like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats - STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I'M NOT FINISHED
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@MatCro: I'll never forget my grandad's last words on his deathbed. He said: "I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble..."
@erikbransteen: Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?
@Ygrene: [being buttered] Me: are you sure about this Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife