[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
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Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Um … Hot Wings please
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee