Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
You Might Also Like
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.