ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
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Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?