me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
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Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.