me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
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Why I divorced her.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.