Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
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A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.