@Parkerlawyer: Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
@Voiceofgarth: WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
@gwatts77: If ignorance is bliss then explain Facebook.
@truegritrumble: (People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
@junejuly12: Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don't need a nap anyway.
@SadieSkyNinja: [if my cat tweeted]
When "over 38" is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.