@Parkerlawyer: Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
@Cheeseboy22: The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son's grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
@Playing_Dad: I don't ever use my blinker. It's nobody's business where I'm going.
@Lisabug74: Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
@gruffybeard: Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan.
Me: *makes another plate of nachos*
@Mix_With_Vodka: Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed