@Parkerlawyer: Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
@Gupton68: Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I'll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
@thedailymarker: Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don't go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
@Cheeseboy22: If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son's braces.
@rolldiggity: I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they're safe for a day, but why aren't they good enough for a holiday meal?
@ABurgerADay: Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it's a small soft drink.