Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
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First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Why font matters.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.