Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
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☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
dream blunt rotation
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.