Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
your honor my client chooses dare
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*