Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
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True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*