Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
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ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Do not levitate over flowers
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory