ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
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I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.