Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
You Might Also Like
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!