Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
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My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.