Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
You Might Also Like
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.