ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
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Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
asking santa clause for nudes
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.