Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
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Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
my retirement plan is braless
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
this is funnier than any friends episode
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
*updates tinder bio*
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”