[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.