Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
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Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Me trying to look natural in photos
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
nobody:
ppl with clear cases: