[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
You Might Also Like
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
…u ok Nintendo?
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!