[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
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My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.