[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
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Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.