My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
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[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
don’t be scared
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I am HOWLING at this
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*