I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
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U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
yeah not falling for this one
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
accurate
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me: