Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
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My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.