Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
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Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL