me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
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Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?