Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
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*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
*skinny dips into black hole
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.