still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
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I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Go hard or stay average
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high