me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
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The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob