He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
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If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
happy mother’s day❤️
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.