My chiropractor is a crack addict.
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Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
A small tragedy.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
crochet youtube is brutal
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.