Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
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“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas