Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
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[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”