*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
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Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.