[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
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Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
This made me chuckle.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes