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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
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Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.