@AnimalSavages: Me as a dad
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@jake_likes_naps: [gets down on 1 knee] Babe will you-- "Yeah... Here it is" [she lends me her phone charger] Thanks
@Brampersandon_: *runs into wife on the way to see his mistress* Aww are those flowers for me? -Uh...yeah Is there a card too? *with a mouthful of paper* No
@OverlyManlyMann: Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.