@AnimalSavages: Me as a dad
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@MelvinofYork: Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have? Me: Define “true friend.” Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything. Me: 11,419.
@brendohare: If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain "Do not hit that iceberg," saving millions in the process
@Underchilde: “There’s no use crying over spilt milk.” Unless you spill it on a winning Powerball ticket, then you should probably cry.