[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
If you know, you know 😂🚔
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.