who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
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Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.